


What matters now

by becausebecca



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Bathtubs, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Lie Low At Lupin's, Light Angst, M/M, Naked Cuddling, Past Relationship(s), Post-Prisoner of Azkaban, Post-Sirius Black in Azkaban, Werewolves, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-18
Packaged: 2018-12-16 23:34:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11839347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/becausebecca/pseuds/becausebecca
Summary: After the full moon, Sirius takes care of Remus. Just a lucky coincidence that this helps to figure everything out again.





	What matters now

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my native language and if you see any mistakes, please tell me that I can correct them.

Sirius stared at the door of Remus' small cottage, biting his nails. It was the first full moon since Sirius came to hide at Remus' place and Remus had insisted on going alone to the small hut he had found to transform after he had returned from Hogwarts. And now Sirius was waiting for him to come back. Dawn was already cracking, filling the room with pink light through the window at the back, and every minute of waiting made Sirius more nervous. What if Remus had hurt himself too badly to apparate? What if he had splinched himself trying to apparate here? Sirius couldn't stand the thought of Remus being hurt. Even though things had been awkward with them living in the same house after Remus had believed that Sirius was the traitor for so long, they cared for the each other with all their hearts. Sirius sighed when the taste of iron filled his mouth, realizing he must have made his fingers bleed again. Biting his nails had always been a bad habit of him, but it was only recently that it had become this bad. He took the wand that Remus had given him from his belt and quickly healed the small wounds on his fingers before going back to stare at the door until a loud crack announced Remus' return.

Jumping to his feet, Sirius opened the door to find Remus on the doorstep. He was barely able to hold himself up, blood was trickling down from a cut just below his left eye and his patchy grey robes were stained with dark patches where other wounds were bleeding into them. When Sirius saw how much energy Remus needed to just walk inside, he shut the door quickly and followed Remus, offering his arm for help. "Easy there, mate", he said. Remus smiled the smile that Sirius knew so well, that smile that was supposed to make Sirius believe that Remus was okay, the smile that didn't reach Remus' eyes. "C'mon, I'll bring you into the kitchen and you drink a glass of water while I run you a bath, okay?", Sirius suggested. Remus nodded and let Sirius lead him into the shabby room on the right were he sat down on one of the kitchen chairs. Sirius placed a large glass of water in front of him. "Here. I'll be back in a second." Getting a slight nod from Remus, Sirius left the room again and went into the bathroom opposite of the kitchen. After opening the tap of the tub, he got some pajamas out of his Remus' bedroom and placed them next to the tub. Then he went back into the kitchen. 

The dim pink light that fell through the tiny window at the back of the room illuminated Remus' tired face and emphasized the scars on his face, making him look much older than thirty-three. Sirius watched as Remus drank the last sip from the water and then held out his hand for Remus to take. Even though he pretended it was just because he wanted to, both men knew it was actually to support Remus. "Thank you", Remus mumbled, far too tired to be embarrassed about the help he needed. Sirius shook his head. "You know that I don't mind taking care of you and that is nothing you have to thank me for." "I wasn't too sure of it anymore", Remus admitted while letting Sirius help him into the bathroom which held just enough space for the two of them to stand in between the toilet, the tub and the sink, "Azkaban changed a lot." Sirius didn't answer. He knew that Remus was not only talking about the effects Azkaban had had on Sirius but also about the time when Remus though that Sirius was the spy.

Leaning over the tub, Sirius closed the tap. He was just about to leave the bathroom to give Remus some privacy when he felt Remus' hand closing around his wrist. "Stay?" "If you want me to", Sirius said. After an affirmative nod from Remus, Sirius closed the bathroom door. He felt awkward, especially knowing that he was about to help Remus undress and sit by him while he took a bath. But he knew that backing out wasn't an option. Remus needed him. 

Sirius started to help Remus undress. Every piece of clothing that was removed and placed neatly folded next to the sink revealed more scarred and also ripped and still bleeding skin. Seeing Remus injured and scarred was nothing new to Sirius and there had been worse cuts than the ones that Remus had now, Sirius knew that. But it hurt him to see all the already faded silver scars he didn't know about before, witnesses of all the full moons when nobody had been there to take care of Remus, of all the times Remus had to take care of himself even though he was in no state to do so. Without actually realizing it, Sirius let his finger tips run over Remus' rough and ruined skin until his hand rested on the bite mark above Remus' left hip that went up to his side, the scar from the bite that had turned Remus. Remus shivered, not knowing if the action made him uncomfortable or if it was just the cold and the tickling feeling of Sirius' fingers on his skin. It had been so long since Sirius had touched him like that, so gentle, scared that Remus was going to break if Sirius wasn't careful enough.

"I'm so sorry you had to be alone for so long." Sirius' voice was quiet and shaky and Remus knew that it had to cost the other man a lot to stop himself from crying. Remus knew every little thing about Sirius' body language and Sirius' features were practically screaming that Sirius was about to break down any moment. "It's fine, Sirius. You can learn to live with a lot." Also with the thought that your former boyfriend betrayed you and your friends, Remus thought. But he didn't say it. It wasn't Sirius' fault that Peter was a traitor and twisted the truth until it looked like Sirius was guilty. "Nobody should have to live with this stuff. Especially not you", Sirius insisted, but Remus just shrugged, silently telling him to drop the subject. Sirius understood and remained quiet for a while, suddenly realizing how odd the two had to look. One of them almost naked, only wearing boxers and completely covered in scars and cuts, the hand of the other who was still fully clothed resting on a particularly bad scar. 

It wasn't until Remus shivered that they both realized that they had to have stood there for minutes without doing anything. Sirius looked up at Remus and smiled, his fingers moving from Remus' side until they were hooked under the hem of Remus' boxers. Remus hesitated for a short time, but then gave Sirius a nod of permission to take his boxers off. It wouldn't be the first time that Sirius saw him naked, he told himself. And they had done so much more than just seeing each other naked that it seemed kind of ridiculous that it was an issue now. But so much had changed since then. They had changed. Even though they didn't want to believe it, it was true and they needed to figure everything out again. It was almost like they were teenagers again, inexperienced and young, not knowing what was okay or not but willing to try out until they found a way both of them were comfortable After Remus' last piece of clothing had found its place on the neat pile, Sirius helped Remus into the tub and then sat down himself on the floor next to the tub, resting his hand on the edge of the tub that Remus could take it if he wanted to. Remus wanted to and when he slid his hand into Sirius' it felt nice even though Sirius' hand was sweaty. 

Sirius squeezed Remus' hand lightly and then started stroking his thumb over the back of it. That was what he had always done to calm Remus and he hoped that it would still work now. Even though Remus didn't admit it, it was clear to Sirius that he was upset and troubled and Sirius wanted him to feel as comfortable as possible right now. Not even only right now, he wanted him to be comfortable all the time. Remus bit his lip. Was that a good sign or a bad sign? Sirius wasn't sure. He couldn't know that Remus was internally discussing whether he should ask Sirius to come in the bath with him. He was aware that this was a lot to ask but he just wanted to be held right now and relax and lean back into Sirius chest to forget everything around him and be sixteen again. Be sixteen again. That sounded nice. No problems, no traitors, no friends dead. Just him and Sirius. 

"You alright?", Sirius asked. Remus nodded. "Fine." "You don't seem fine to me." Remus sighed before deciding that he would ask. He had nothing to lose and Sirius nowhere else to go anyway so why not. "Is it too much to ask you to come in the bath with me?", he mumbled. Surprise broadened on Sirius' face and Remus was already sure that he made a terrible mistake, but then Sirius got up and pulled the old shirt from Remus' that was too big on him over his head. "Of course it is not too much to ask. As long as it helps you, "Sirius said a moment later while unbuttoning his trousers. Sirius' clothes landed on a messy pile next to Remus' folded ones, carelessly thrown away and then Sirius' hand was on Remus' back, gently pushing him forward a little that Sirius could sit behind him. Remus leant back and rested his head against Sirius chest, his chin in the crook of Sirius' elbow while Sirius wrapped his other arm around Remus chest. "Okay?", Sirius asked. Remus nodded and croaked out: "Thanks." "Don't mention it." 

Remus was right, it felt like they were sixteen again. Forgotten were all those years and everything felt right again despite the soreness in his bones. The questions that had been lying heavy on Remus' and Sirius' shoulder seemed suddenly so much lighter, everything seemed so unimportant because they got each other and that was enough for a little happiness in those bad times. And when Sirius leant forward to kiss the top of Remus' head, Remus felt a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He closed his eyes, mumbling "Thank you" into Sirius' skin and giving it a feather light kiss. Everything felt okay . And it was okay. They hadn't been so at ease with each other since the time in the Shrieking Shack when they exposed Peter and it felt so good. It felt so right. It was silent for a while between them and Sirius' throat felt dry. He wanted to speak his thoughts, wanted to say it so badly but he didn't know if he could. He wanetd to say that he still loved Remus because he did and he wanted these moments to happen more often and he wanted to hold Remus and kiss him and, Merlin, he didn't even know. But he knew that Remus would say no. He knew it because Remus had always been the more rational one of the two and staying friends was the rational decision right now with evrything that happened. He spoke up nonetheless, the words coming out of his mouth so quiet that he wasn't sure Remus could hear them. "I still love you, Rem." Remus swallowed down the heavy lump in his throat before answering. "I know. I still love you, too. But sometimes, that just isn't enough." Sirius wanted to argue, wanted to yell in Remus face that it should be enough, for fuck's sake. Wasn't love the strongest feeling a human can have? So why shouldn't it be enough when two people love each other, regardless of the conditons? But Sirius didn't say anything of it. Instead he heard himself say: "I know."

It fell silent again and even though it was a comfortable silence, Sirius wished that he hadn't said anything. Because before he had been able to tell himself that everything was fine and that it would turn out like it had been before. But now he knew that it wouldn't be like it had been before and it hurt so fucking much that he wished he wouldn't have said anything. "I know that you want us back, Pads. I want us back, too. But we are not the same as we were before." "I know. I won't bring it up again." Remus nodded and turned his head to press a kiss to Sirius' shoulder. "Thank you for respecting this." Sirius didn't answer. Instead he tightened his grip around Remus, trying to reassure himself that he was still the only one to hold him like this, when he was exhausted and naked and vulnerable. He knew this was a privilegue not many of Remus' friends had because Remus was too embarrassed to let most people see him in this state. 

And then he felt Remus starting to shake in his arms. At first he thought that Remus was just cold and he was about to suggest to get out of the bath but then he realized that Remus was shaking with sobs. Remus was crying. Remus was crying because it was the first time in years that anybody took care of him after a transformation, it was the first time in years that he felt safe and it made him so emotional that he just couldn't hold back his tears that were slowly trickling down his cheek and onto Sirius arm and the he started thanking Sirius over and over again, mumbling it like a mantra to hold onto. Srius let Remus cry and rocked them slowly back and forth. "Shh, Rem. It's okay. I am here and you are here and you are okay. And after the bath I'm gonna heal your wounds and we will go to bed and everything will still be okay then. And when you wake up tomorrow I will still be there to hold you if you need it and kiss you if you want it and it will still be okay, I promise." The words left Sirius' lips without him thinking about it which felt like the right thing to do. Feeling had always been more Sirius' thing than thinking and he knew that it could lead to terrible mistakes sometimes, but sometimes it was just the right thing to do. And he felt like now was some of these times. Remus let out a shaky breath, trying to stop from crying but then it overwhelmed him again and in between his sobs he apologized to Sirius for crying so much and he didn't stop even though Sirius told him that it was okay and that he was just glad that Remus didn't have to deal with this on his own anymore. "I've got you", he murmured into Remus hair, his grip still frim around Remus, "I've got you now and I won't leave. I'll always be here for you, Moony. You won't have to be alone anymore." And Remus believed him. It didn't stop him from crying but he believed him. He wouldn't be alone anymore and that was what counted. 

And with this thought in his mind, Remus turned around, pressing a kiss to Sirius' jaw, a wordless thank you. A thank you, that meant everything to him right now because Sirius was all he had. But that was okay because Sirius would take care of him and he would take care of Sirius. And that was all that mattered now.


End file.
